Two Stories Become One
In my book Becoming Us, I write about practical tips that can help couples have success in their marriages. One of those practical tips is ‘Don’t disparage your spouses family’. It’s a tip that Amy and I learned early on was important in a successful covenant marriage. The reason is simple. Their family is part of their story. For good or ill, your spouse would not be the person they are without the influence of their family, just like you would not be you without the influence of yours.
Besides the spiritual aspects of your covenant, the most basic truth of your marriage is that it is the combining of two stories into one. Two histories, backgrounds and sets of circumstances. You have to respect the story, because you chose to love the product of that story.
That doesn’t mean every chapter of that story was good. Some families are healthy and nurturing. Others are complicated and painful. Most are a mixture of both. But regardless of the circumstances, those experiences helped shape the person who stood beside you at the altar.
When we criticize, mock, or belittle our spouse’s family, we are often doing more than expressing frustration. We are attacking something deeply connected to their identity. Even when our observations are accurate, our words can feel like a rejection of the people and experiences that helped make them who they are.
Respecting your spouse’s family does not mean pretending everything is perfect. Healthy boundaries are sometimes necessary. Honest conversations about family dynamics are often important. But there is a significant difference between discussing challenges with love and wisdom and speaking with contempt.
One builds unity. The other creates division.
A covenant marriage requires us to become students of each other’s stories. We learn where our spouse came from, what shaped them, what wounded them, and what strengthened them. We listen with compassion rather than judgment. We seek understanding before offering criticism.
When you learn this lesson, it changes the way you talk about your families. You realize that honoring each other’s stories is another way of honoring each other. The goal is never to ignore flaws or difficult experiences. The goal is to recognize that God has been at work through every chapter, even the hard ones.
Every marriage is, in many ways, the joining of two unfinished stories. As husband and wife, you have the privilege of helping write the next chapters together. That becomes much easier when you respect the pages that came before.
Honor the story. Respect the family. Love the person God has entrusted to you. In doing so, you make it possible for two stories to truly become one.
