Talk It Out.

So today I found myself considering a simple question:

What makes your marriage strong?

The answer is probably a little different for everyone. Every couple has their own story, their own strengths, and their own way of navigating life together. But I’d be willing to bet that truly strong marriages have a few things in common: commitment, faith, communication, and a willingness to sacrifice for one another.

For Amy and me, two things have remained constant through nearly every season of our marriage: strong faith and strong communication.

We talk. A lot. We’ve never really been the kind of couple that can leave something sitting beneath the surface and pretend it isn’t there. Our personalities simply won’t allow it. If something is bothering one of us, eventually it’s going to come out.

Sometimes we’re calm about it. Sometimes not so much. But the common thread is that we communicate regularly. One way or another, we always talk it out.

We never could have known it when we first started out, but being terrible at keeping secrets and having very little patience for nonsense has turned out to be one of the greatest strengths of our marriage.

Finances are a problem right now? Let’s talk it out.

The kids are driving us crazy? Let’s talk it out.

Amy is feeling stressed? Let’s talk it out.

Nate is feeling overwhelmed? Let’s talk it out.

Nothing has ever really been off the table for us.

That doesn’t mean we’ve always agreed. We haven’t. We’ve had plenty of disagreements, arguments, and moments when one of us would rather not talk at all. We’ve even tried, and failed, to hide things from each other.

But eventually, it always comes out.

Neither of us has the patience, or really the desire, to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. We can’t just bury something, move on, and hope it disappears.

So we talk. Because we’ve learned that whatever we’re facing is almost always better together. Then sometimes, after all that talking, we realize we simply don’t have the answers. We have no idea how things are going to turn out.

That’s when we take it to God. Together. Throughout our marriage, He has been our mediator, our counselor, and the one constant we can always come back to.

It sounds simple: Take it to the Lord. Pray about it. Trust Him.

But it isn’t always simple.

It’s hard to hand something over to God when you desperately want to fix it yourself. It’s difficult to trust Him when things are going wrong, when the future feels uncertain, or when life is coming at you faster than you can handle it.

Sometimes trusting God is a choice you have to make before you feel like trusting.

But every time we’ve chosen to bring it to Him together—to pray, surrender what we can’t control, and trust Him with what comes next—we’ve found that it’s worth it.

“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.”
Psalm 55:22 (NIV)

That’s just one verse about trusting God with the things that weigh on us. The Bible is full of verses that remind us to bring our worries, fears, questions, and uncertainty to Him.

Maybe that’s because God knows how difficult it can be for us to actually do it.

The point is this:

Talk. Pray. Listen.

Will you get it right every time? Of course not. We certainly haven’t. There will be conversations you handle poorly. There will be times you don’t listen as well as you should. There will be moments when you try to solve everything yourselves before finally realizing you should have taken it to God in the first place.

That’s marriage.

But keep talking anyway.

Keep praying anyway.

Keep listening anyway.

Because your spouse should never have to wonder what’s going on inside your head or your heart. They shouldn’t have to guess whether you’re struggling, hurting, worried, or overwhelmed. Give them the opportunity to walk through it with you.

Keep talking. Then when you don’t know what else to say, pray. That’s how you become us and we instead of I and me.